Here goes another one…
So, this past week had its ups and downs, and I tried to share them all to the best of my ability.
Oi… I don’t think you realize how hard it is to document with a brain that’s all over the place like mine.
Seriously, half the time, I don’t even know what I’m talking about.
As I’m writing this intro, I’m coming down off of an ‘anxious episode’. Wasn’t quite an attack, at least I don’t think it was. But my heart was thumping and my thoughts were disorganized and I found it hard to function… so that’s the best way to describe it.
Anyways, I’ve had some decaf tea and some mixed nuts to bring my blood sugar back up and I’m feeling much better.
This week, I tried to focus mainly on transition… you’ll get why that’s important in just a minute.
Don’t wanna be redundant, but I’m just realizing a lot of things at this point in my life and moving through them is equally fantastic and stressful. Like, it’s exciting, but I’m also getting the wind knocked out of me (metaphorically) every so often.
Keep reading, you’ll get what I mean.
Transition Is The Word
Sh*t I Did Last Week
Weekly Update Blog Series
Wednesday 7/04/18: Transition is My New Word
Shamyla (my therapist) and I had a session today that really hit home.
I was feeling really good… I posted the newest blog post in this series and I’ve really been improving.
All that is still true, and I recognize my natural talent and intentions a little more today.
I’m in a place of transition… and that’s ok. This is the time to move on and do things; not out of reaction, but because I want to do them.
I can’t really talk about these things yet because they’re still in transition (hello, Buzzword), but they’re happening.
That’s all I can say right now… maybe I’ll add to it later.
Wednesday Night: Drunk off Plum Wine
Mmkay… I am tipsy while I write this. And my eyes are basically rolling back in my head, so I need to hurry before I pass out…
Got completely drunk off when plum wine tonight with my friends. Ugh, it was glorious.
For one, that wine was SO good. I’ve been searching for it for, like, a month now. Finally got it… and it was fantastic.
I’ll elaborate more in the morning. For now, SLEEP.
Thursday 7/05/18: The Morning After
The plum wine was delicious… the honey jack was smooth (although I’m not really into that… wine girl all the way).
But this morning, I am achy all over.
No regrets, though. Had a TON of fun last night and I would do it all again.
I don’t do stuff like that very often, and every once in a while, it’s totally fine to let loose. You gotta live your best life.
And trust me, if you like wine, you haven’t lived until you’ve tried plum wine. I can’t even remember what brand it was, but it was SO delicious.
Next time I’ll definitely share it, though. That bigass bottle was too much for me to drink by myself.
Thursday Afternoon: I Am A Technician’s Nightmare
So… Bush (my fiancé) bought me an ASUS laptop so it’d be easier for the two of us to game on our off days, but I found it convenient for blogging and other stuff, too.
If I haven’t mentioned it before, Bush is a tech engineer. He helps me set up my basics on all my computers and helps me with little bugs here and there. Sometimes it’s hard because we’re still in a long-distance situation, so we have our own jobs and a time difference of 5 hours.
Because of this, I try not to bug him with little things that I can probably work out myself with the right Google search.
However, that usually means we have fiascoes like we did this afternoon…
Basically, my computer was being slow AF, so I gave him access on Teamviewer so he could take a look…
Poor bugger. He’ll be taking swigs from that 80 year old bottle of whiskey he’s got on his desk. I had so many programs opening on start that I crashed Task Manager…
I CRASHED TASK MANAGER!!!!!
Apparently, that was a first for him. And he’s been working on computers professionally for the last 3 years…
Thursday Night/Friday Morning: Ant-Man & The Wasp
Writing this on Friday morning because… UGH, I am TIRED.
Dad has this tradition of seeing Marvel movies right when they come out…
… which, lately, has always been a Thursday night.
And I work at 9am
So you’ll have to excuse me, but I’m braindead right now. Will try to add more to this post later when I’m not completely slack jawed…
P.S. The movie was great, by the way. Highly recommend… especially if you’re following the newest developments in the Avengers…
Friday Night/Saturday Morning: I REALLY need to get back to my meditation
Aight… if you follow me on Instagram and saw last week’s post, you know that I’m “detoxing” from Facebook to try and reduce the toxicity from my life.
Social media can be a minefield, particularly Facebook. That’s the place where people can vent or dump their awful thoughts for the day so they don’t have to take them out on everyone in polite conversation. Or that’s what it’s become, anyway.
Twitter can be a little similar, but people don’t have as much space to do it… is it still 140 characters or is it more now?
Anyway, they can’t write whole blurbs on why they hate the world in that moment. They can post memes, but you can’t see the full picture unless you choose to click on it. So you can scroll past. (I find Instagram to be a much more positive place… most of the time).
But I can’t seem to scroll past when I do see something I don’t like.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen… my name is Ada Raven, and I feed the trolls.
I’m sorry. It’s a problem. And I know it.
So here’s the gap that’s hard to close: recognizing that haters are EVERYWHERE and, at the same time, not trying to change them.
If someone is given all the information, all the logic, all the arguments to the contrary and they STILL think that 2+2=3? No amount of arguing or frustration on your part is going to convince them that it’s 4.
You are NOT their epiphany. And your efforts are probably put to better use somewhere else.
But see, I don’t think I do it for that. I think I do it because I like the fight.
Watching them make asses of themselves for the world to see is an addiction of mine. And since I think they’re asses, I want the rest of the world to agree with me.
But honestly, who is that serving? Not me, not them, and certainly not the rest of the world…
And I think all of this is because I’ve had to delve deeper into myself in order to figure out who I really am.
I’m a sensitive person, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I care deeply and I love hard, and it’s something I’m learning to love about myself.
I’m not always nice, or sweet, but I try my best to be kind.
Political correctness is important. We have to know how to be considerate of our fellow men and women and their struggles. But some people- I hate to say- are probably inherent assholes. Or do shitty things, not realizing why or how, and have no incentive to change.
No one besides them is going to make that happen. They gonna be who they be, and the world will move on with or without them. My job is to make sure I’m not stuck with them when that happens.
So I’m making a solid vow to you and to myself that I am going to do my best NOT to feed the trolls. And I want YOU to go follow me on social media and call me out if I do xD.
Wish me luck!
Sunday 7/08/18: An Off Day
I don’t really want to write today, because I feel like nothing I write will be good.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like I’m failing at everything. There’s not really a reason for it.
All it takes is one triggering phrase, and off the deep end I goes.
So that’s what happened today… somebody said something and my brain ran with it. Down to the dark place. The place where all my worst thoughts sit and have tea.
Had a good cry, and now I’m ok, but I’m seriously tired AF.
I also came to this conclusion: I’m anxious ALL the time. Like, I’m never in a place where I feel completely calm. There’s always something to worry about, something that could go wrong.
And I’m always irritable, too. I snap at people all the time, and I can’t seem to become at peace with the things I can’t change. I’m really, really trying, though.
And it’s hard when people are always telling me I can control this… sure, maybe I can, but it’s hard as fuck. It almost hurts.
Anyway, I’m feeling much calmer now, although still a little off, and I’m about to finish off my night with some Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and some Hinterland with my mom.
I really hope the rest of you had a good day today <3.
Monday 7/09/18: NONE of my fucking technology is working…
Ok, SOME of it is working… but I swear to God, I have been sitting in this coffee shop for AT LEAST 30 MINUTES waiting for this Mac to load up.
I really shouldn’t complain… the thing wasn’t new when I bought it and it’s been 3 years since then. So I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.
Still, it’s frustrating, because laptops are SO EXPENSIVE. And I have the other one that Bush bought me, but that one needs a cleaning.
I’m just a hot mess, writing a blog post on a phone at this point.
Why am I like this?
So over myself.
Edit: I was SO absorbed in my computer that I totally forgot to say: I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW ON WEDNESDAY!!!!!
Officially starting the interview process… I don’t know if this’ll be “the one” , but it’s exciting to be making progress. Wish me luck!
Tuesday 7/10/18: Stress & Difficult Emotions
Ugh… this morning.
I’ve probably mentioned this before, but I have a really hard time saying ‘No’, as well as asking for what I need.
For lack of a better way to say it, I’ve accustomed myself to believing that I don’t deserve anymore than to be people’s punching bag.
Which is pretty fucked up.
Also, Shamyla and I have determined that I self-sabotage. I’m actually comfortable as the victim in situations.
Which… what??? How did I get here? Yeesh.
So, I’d rather not speak my mind and stay sad than speak my mind and risk being more sad. Because at least then I can fathom blaming other people for my unhappiness.
I don’t want to take accountability for it. And it’s fucking me up inside.
Ugh… how’s that for an end of the week update?
So… not the BEST ending to the blog week…
I’ve had better days, but I’ve had worse, too. And chances are I’ll survive them all.
Thank God I’m hangin’ with the girls again tonight (Tuesday night)… don’t know if I’d make it otherwise.
I mean, of course I’d find a way. But I’d be hanging on by a thread.
Anyway, the purpose of these weekly updates isn’t to bitch to you… well, maybe a little… but they’re mainly to help you understand that you aren’t alone.
Excuse the cliché.
But no, really. People have great days, people have shit days. Some people have great days mixed into shit days. There’s no guarantee it’ll go one way or the other.
We can get caught up in the uncertainty of it all, or we can learn to let it go. Because we don’t have a choice either way.
Might as well enjoy the good times 😉.
ANYWAY, how was your week? Try to weigh the good in equally with the bad… you may find it was better than you thought.
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