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Knee-jerkingly honest post for y’all today:
Mental illness is not convenient.
Just like any other chronic issue isn’t convenient. You can’t fight that sometimes you’re going to have flare-ups and won’t be able to focus on anything else.
I’m having one of those days today. And it’s made worse by the fact that it’s my fiance’s birthday (and he’s 3,000 miles away), I actually worked really hard on a vegan lifestyle post yesterday that I can’t finish today, and I have a ton of other things that I’d like to be doing for this blog. But my brain is basically on strike right now. Everything in it is telling me that I’m “not doing it right”…
The problem is, “it” could be anything… and everything. And it’s usually everything.
The whole thing is made harder by the fact that I know none of it is true, but none of that makes moving through the shit any easier.
But I refuse to see this as a failure.
I did NOT fail today. I am not a bad fiancee, I am not a bad worker, I am not a bad person. I’m simply dealing with a chronic issue that has no known cure as of yet… the only thing we can do is treat it. Learn coping mechanisms and hope they work, take prescription medications and hope they work.
It’s all maintenance, not “fixes”. So to expect to never have days like this again just because I’m now in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist is unrealistic. It’s unrealistic for ME to expect and it’s unrealistic for ANYONE to expect it.
Why in Sam Hill am I telling you this?
Well, for one, because I feel like scheiße for not being able to deliver that vegan post… it’s all about why you SHOULDN’T go raw vegan and I was feeling really proud of it yesterday. I even promised it on Instagram. Well, one of these days, I’ll learn how to plan ahead in preparation for days like this.
But for two, the ultimate goal of my blog is to make myself more accessible to people who are afraid to talk as openly as I do. Like, do I feel great about sharing this stuff with you? No… not really. Frankly, I’m scared shitless about it.
But do I think that it’ll encourage just one more person to wait it out and see what happens tomorrow? Hell yes. We can’t know what tomorrow might bring… you might not feel better, but then again, you just might. Don’t give that up because your brain lies to you sometimes.
What I learned from Bloggess, Jenny Lawson
Jenny, if you’re reading this… wassup, girl? You probably aren’t, but had to give you the shout out anyway.
Jenny Lawson wrote a book called Furiously Happy which I read about a year ago. That’s probably what encouraged me to start my blog. There’s a lot of lighthearted stuff in there but also some real talk. And she doesn’t sugarcoat when it comes to her mental illness(es).
She talks about being a mom and feeling like she’s failing, being a wife and feeling like she’s failing, being a writer and feeling like she’s failing. But the thing that keeps her around? The knowledge that she’s gotten through it before and she’ll get through it again.
So seriously… this book is an amazing read. I found it by chance on Amazon, and if you’re like me you need to go read it… like, yesterday.
I think of my mental illness like psychological IBS…
No offense to anyone with IBS, Crohn’s disease, or anything like that. But every once in a while, my brain just sh*ts itself and I become a mess.
And it SUCKS. If I treat myself right and practice the right lifestyle, I’ll have fewer flare-ups. But I just gotta be real about it. It’s something I’ll battle for the rest of my life and some days are just going to be awful. But other days will be wonderful. I’m sticking around for those days.
This, too, shall pass…
My mother said this. And it’s the most annoying thing in the world, partially because my mother said it. But also because sometimes, it’s just the truth. You will always deal with times when your own mind tries to tear you down.
But even if it’s just from moment to moment, there will be times in between that are fantastic. I mean, shit, someone proposed to me as my Christmas gift… if I hadn’t waited out the days that I hated for the days that I loved, that would never have happened.
I will never take my own life… I love it too much. What about you? Can you take it one day at a time?
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Thanks for reading!!!! Happy Living!!!