Lemme level with ya… this one drained me emotionally.
I am so tired you can’t possibly know…
But it’s good. I got it all out, which I needed to do.
And I’ll warn ya, I do not hold back in this post.
I know I say that all the time, but I really mean it now. This is dense.
So, hunker down with a snack like you would with an intense book. <3
Shit I Did Last Week 14:
The Last One… (For Now)
Is it weird that I start my blog week on Wednesday?
Eh, whatever. As long as I blog, right?
Anyways, took a trip to the psychiatrist today. Got my meds adjusted, as I expected I would for the Fall/Winter season. Now I’m on Wellbutrin in the mornings to go with the Zoloft at night.
(I just had a thought… maybe I’m taking my Zoloft too late and that’s why I’m having trouble waking up? I didn’t ask…)
The doc reminded me that the blue light from my phone keeps me up at night. And that I’m trying to distract myself with social media/my smartphone…
God, aren’t we all?
But she’s right. In her words, I “stop [myself] from thinking about things I need to be thinking about”. Most likely because said thing sucks and I don’t want to deal with it.
But that’s life.
So I really am going to try to integrate my yoga and meditation into the beginning of my day. Before I look at my phone.
Because let’s face it… I’m fucking addicted to that thing.
And most of us probably are.
Look, no tea, no shade, Smartphones and technology have made the impossible possible. In fact, y’all I think it’s revolutionized the middleman’s ability to own a lucrative business without having to turn into a serious bigwig.
We just gotta make sure we can put ‘em down when we’re done.
Until tomorrow <3.
Random thought: people fart when they sleep… why would you want to “sleep” with someone on the first date?
(I guess because you won’t be sleeping?)
Other random thought: the fan in my room has been on almost nonstop this summer. Like, I don’t think I’ve turned it off in months… (sorry, power grid…)
But this morning, I was actually cold and needed to turn it off.
Ladies and gentlemen, winter is coming…
Later that night…
Sorry for those random… um… outbursts this morning.
Can you call it an outburst if you did it on paper?
Today, I’ve been approached by a couple brands. I don’t want to tell you names yet because nothing is set. But I feel so incredibly lucky that my little blog is being noticed by… anyone, really.
I will tell you that some of these brands have to do with alternative medicine, which I’d like to get into as a supplement to what I’m already doing (I.e., taking prescribed medications, talk therapy, healthy eating & exercise, etc.).
Personally, I think Western Medicine is what happens when great ideas with good intentions are perverted by money…
Gosh, money… all it was ever meant to be was a tool for trade. That’s how I interpret it, anyway. Shiny, pretty objects and promissory notes that have been elevated to monumental status by the people who have the most of it.
“I have more shiny things and pretty paper, so I’m better than you…”
It’s so sad that this is the thing so many live and die for…
Ok, I think it’s time to put down the pen and back away slowly.
Until tomorrow <3.
… okay… even as I write this, I’m debating whether I should include it in the post.
But now I figure… fuck it. This is real shit. And it’s for all the women, minorities, minority women, the LGBTQ+ community, and all the awesome people that support us.
If you’re triggered by us ‘Snowflake S.J.W.s’, I suggest you skip ahead… but know that you’re making a choice.
Today was Day 2 of the Kavanaugh hearing. Thankfully, the outcome has brought some relief to the country (for now)- a 1-week delay on the vote so the FBI can conduct a background check. As there should be.
It’s what the majority have said they want, and SCOTUS is the highest court in the fucking land.
Our government is “… of the people, by the people, for the people”, yes? (source)
Well, the majority have spoken, and we are not okay with what is happening right now…
… I digress.
I am angry. The people of this country are angry. And it’s getting so, so, SO incredibly hard to keep forgiving and being patient.
But… I flat out refuse to let this damage me and make me bitter forever.
I am here… you will see me, and you will hear me. I will not allow ignorance and discomfort to silence me.
This is America, a land that is diverse for reasons that cannot be reversed now. If one group is uncomfortable, guess what? We all should be.
Oh, yes… you will hear me. You will hear us.
Poem: I Refuse
I refuse, without compromise,
To live in discomfort on my own soil.
I resist anyone
Who would threaten me with
The force of their fist,
The volume of their voice,
Or the size of their cock.
I care not what lay between
(emphasis on the “lay”)
Or the fact that you wave it around
As if it were anything other than
A blunted sword.
Your ego is not my concern,
And my grace is spent.
Tend to your wounds elsewhere,
I am through.
Wring Out the Pain
The best way I know to get my pain out is to write about it.
Communicating is hard when you’re feeling overwhelmed with yourself. Letting someone else into all of that mess is almost unfathomable. Especially if you’re afraid it’ll just hurt more.
It’s not their fault, mind you. They can’t understand what goes on in your brain because they’ve never been inside your mind. It’s an unavoidable tragedy of being a sensitive person… most consider it a weakness.
Anyway, before this entry turns into too much of a pity-party, here’s a poem.
Poem: Wring Out the Pain
When you wash clothes
over and over again,
they begin to fade.
With each wring of the hand,
a little more of the color
Wash me and wear me
Like a loose garment.
Then drench me,
Wring me out,
And start again.
And as the color drains
From my face because
You wear me like an old t-shirt,
Call me ugly.
Grimace at my wear and tear,
Poke your fingers angrily
Through my holes,
And curse me when you
Hear a seam pop
(like a broken bone).
Yes, I will serve you well
Until the day I cannot
The love, the heart,
The color, the softness,
Has been all but squeezed
Every… last… drop.
Hmmm… Missed a Day…
Sorry, I don’t know how I did this, but I must have forgotten that Saturday happened.
So, umm… here’s some comic relief. I’m sure it’s needed anyway :).
Last Day of September
I find it refreshing that today is the last day of the month as well as the last day of the week. It’s like tomorrow will be a total reboot. The slate is completely clean.
On another note, we all know the news is crazy these days. It can be pretty negative, and really disheartening.
But I don’t want to let this ruin me or ruin my faith in people.
Because I love them. I love us. Whether we’re deserving of that love or not.
True, the needle seems to be pointing more toward Not these days, but that doesn’t mean we should stop giving it.
Au contraire… we should keep our hearts open for the good of the future. We’ll need it more than ever.
And trust me, I know it hurts. But loving people means being vulnerable. And being vulnerable when the shit gets rough shows true courage.
Until tomorrow <3.
First day of the week, first day of the month, and first day taking Wellbutrin. (It took a few days for me to pick it up from the pharmacy).
And my first thought when I step out into the weird fucking 80-degree Autumn-In-Maryland weather is:
I wonder what it’s like to be a plant…
Hear me out.
Plants are not considered sentient beings. This is just a fancy way of saying they can’t feel things subjectively. But they are considered alive.
So, what’s it like to be alive but not be jerked around by emotion?
Nothing is ever “good” or “bad” … it just is.
This might be a scary concept to some, but I don’t think it is.
To me, it’d be like being asleep without dreaming. Alive and aware, but not swayed by the outside world. Nothing bogging you down, your body doing everything it’s supposed to, and you’re just there.
That is true peace to me.
Then again, I think I just described someone in a vegetative state… oh, well.
Until tomorrow <3.
The Good News and the Bad News
The bad news is: this’ll be the last installment of my Shit I Did Last Week blog series. At least for a while.
The good news is: starting tomorrow, I’ll be participating in Blogtober 2018.
That means 1 blog post every day for the next month.
Now, because I have the attention span of a gnat, the everyday posts will keep with my “journal entry” theme.
But keep a lookout on Wednesdays for a special post, because I still wanna give you something to chew on.
So I’d like to say, if you’ve read the posts in this series to this point, you’ll never understand how much it means to me <3.
For real, this series has been crucial to my healing and self-discovery process, so I can’t thank you enough for taking this journey with me.
I’ll see you on the flipside.
Happy Blogtober <3
(Until tomorrow 😉)
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List of International Suicide Hotlines (courtesy of the International Bipolar Foundation)
Please, please, PLEASE do NOT hesitate to find your hotline and call if you think you need it. You are NOT alone <3.
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Thanks for reading!!!! Happy Living!!!