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Before I start this blog post…
I usually try to make the posts in this series a 7 day documentation of major thoughts and reflections from the week before.
Unfortunately, there are a few days missing this week. Mainly because… well, life.
This past week was not great for me. There were some good times, but also some pretty unpleasant ones. And I’m trying to learn how to move through the shit times and still do everything that’s required of me.
I can show up to work, no problem. Because there are set hours and immediate consequences if I’m not there.
But it can be hard when you’re trying to B.Y.O.B.
When you’re a blogger,
no one else holds you responsible but you. Unless, of course, you’re freelancing for somebody. But when you’re running your own operation, you gotta set the meetings, show up, and run them.
And don’t get me wrong… that’s definitely something I want to do.
I just haven’t figured out how to show up on days when my mind is literally betraying me.
In other words, I haven’t quite trained my mind to separate my conscious choices from my subconscious influence. I’m getting there, but I’m not there yet.
So that’s why there are days missing from this post. I spent a lot of time in bed, waking up and going back to sleep because I didn’t want to be awake. Being awake was painful.
Sorry, that’s way pathetic, I know. But there’s a light at the end of this dark corridor.
Let’s get into it.
Well… THIS fuckin’ sucks.
I had my session with Shamyla today, and we’ve basically decided that my self-worth is low AF.
Like, the reason why I have trouble going places and committing to things is because I don’t value myself enough. Some part of my brain is telling me that I have never been successful and I’m not worthy of future successes, either.
I also do not assert myself and voice my opinion until it becomes a big problem. In my brain, I’m thinking holding my tongue is letting things go and avoiding conflict.
Always comes back to haunt me later, though.
All that being said, I’m still using my Gratitude Journal– today I’m grateful for my heart, my mind, and the air in my lungs- and meditating every day.
I’d recommend it to anyone who’s going through something similar.
Ah, yes… we all know that name well.
You know, sometimes I’d really like to know what goes on in the mind of an internet troll. Then again… no… no, I really don’t.
Bet you’re wondering why I’m mentioning this lol. Well, if you follow me on Instagram (which, if you’ve read any of my previous blogs, you probably are because I’m ALWAYS saying ‘Follow me on Instagram’… lol), you may have noticed something recently…
… I have attracted the attention of a few trolls. I think they call themselves ‘Meninists’ or some shit…
I made a comment on a feminist page I follow… and yes, I do consider myself a feminist. If you have to work, so do I. If I have to cook and clean, so do you. I have the right to my feminine healthcare as you have a right to your masculine healthcare (or specialized healthcare… because no 2 humans are alike). You get the picture.
Having said that, you know well that I’m a self-admitted troll feeder. I have fallen into the traps… mainly because there’s a difference between being frank and being ‘dick’… and I cannot STAND the latter.
But that doesn’t mean that my responses are warranted, necessary, or useful… to anyone.
Ok, ok, I’m babbling. I promise there is a point to this.
The reason why I’m talking about it this time is because I made a comment on a post that had a lot of attention, and the fucking trolls found me.
I mean, it doesn’t take a genius to click a profile, but I basically got an influx of comments meant to fuck with me. And possibly my followers. You know the kind of stuff… they’re trying to get a rise out of certain groups of people.
And I ain’t gonna lie to you… it really did bother me. I had one of those ‘oh, shit’ moments when I realized that I had started something that might follow me for a while.
And it took a while to accept that.
Then I realized that most people who build businesses/platforms on the internet have to deal with hate on some level, whether they deserve it or not.
So really, I’m no better or worse than any other aspiring influencer/blogger. We strive for positivity, fall short or slip every once in a while, and there’s always someone.
There’s something comforting in that.
Also… I think this means I’ve officially arrived 😀. I caused such a stir that people (or one person who keeps making accounts just to do this lol) replied to the comment, then followed me back to my page and gave me free engagement just to piss me off… I must be important! xD
DON’T FEED THE TROLLS!!!!
(They’ll never learn to feed themselves and then they’ll starve to death without you.)
You might like this video on The Psychology of Trolling by SciShow.
First Guest-Posting Opportunity!
Woop! Got my first guest-posting opportunity!
I don’t think you realize how effing happy this makes me.
Like, I feel like I’m making serious progress as a blogger.
It just goes to show you that patience pays off. I’ve been trying to ‘find my voice’ for the last year or so on my blog. Honestly, I’m still trying to find it, but I’m getting closer.
And the more true to myself I am, the more I win in life.
That sounds cocky.
Ok, basically what I’m trying to say is, it’s so much better to do something that feels natural to you and be patient for the next opportunity than to try to crank out shit that you hate in an attempt to make things happen faster.
It’s futile. It’ll happen when it’s meant to.
You’re gonna be miserable and no amount of time will be short enough.
So the moral of this entry is: be true to yourself and the rest will follow. Learn how to be content with what you’re good at or what makes you tick. Especially since you can do just about anything with the internet nowadays.
Oh, btw, the site I’ll be posting to is kaybeth.com. The creator is Kaitlyn Millet, and you should definitely go follow her on Instagram (@kaybethstyle) as well as check out her shop. She’s got some seriously cute stuff that I’m considering buying myself.
We’re still working out exactly when I’ll be posting, but we’ve worked out that I’ll post twice a month. So stay tuned for that.
Jump to Tuesday…
Sorry For The Gaps
Alright… admittedly, after Saturday, I fell off the wagon. Like WAY off. And all that’s kept me hanging on are the coping skills I’ve learned through therapy and meditation.
If I could remember what it was I had wanted to write over the course of those missing days, I would. But honestly, I can’t remember much besides trying to keep it together.
And it all has to do with what I talked about at the beginning of this post: low self-worth. My self-esteem comes in waves… sometimes I feel great about myself, other days I’m the scum of the Earth.
And on the latter days, I really, REALLY count on the tools I’m learning to pull me through. I’ll try to start my day with some things that I’m thankful for (my Gratitude Journal), I’ll take walks and listen to music and breathe deeply, I’ve started meditating for 20 minutes everyday (and try not to beat myself up if I don’t do it first thing). Oh, and the most helpful thing so far: journal writing.
Kind of like what I’m doing on this blog.
And I’m not talking about simply ‘thinking positive’, manifest-and-it’ll-happen type journals… I’m talking nitty-gritty, exactly-what-I’m-thinking-and-feeling type journals. All the things racing through my head, I write them. I get them out of me.
It’s something my psychiatrist recommended a couple months ago that’s really proving to be useful for me. If I’m having trouble sleeping, I whip out my notebook and write. Writing in cursive seems to feel the best. Then I write until I’m too tired to write anymore, no editing, and go to sleep.
It may not solve the actual problem, but it sure as hell gives me a sense of confidence that I can get myself through those moment, and that I am strong enough to make it through this life.
Helpful Tips for Feeling Anxious
Something I saw on Instagram recently (which I’ll link here if I can find it again).
This post by @anxietycoachleigha seriously helped me as I’m sitting here, fidgeting at my desk. A nervous habit of mine is to order food… ‘healthy’ food so that I don’t ‘get fat’, but food nonetheless. Which isn’t good, because then I spend money.
So I followed the instructions of the first tip on that photo: breathing deep into my belly.
It’s actually a therapy tool I learned some time ago, but sometimes I forget. You breathe into your stomach to stop the fight-or-flight response in your brain caused by unpleasant thoughts.
According to that Instagram post, this makes your diaphragm (?) press on your vagus nerve and lets your brain know that you’re safe.
I know nothing about that lol, but I do know that deep breathing helps, so I did it… and I feel so much calmer. I’m continuing to do it as I’m typing, especially if an uncomfortable feeling or thought arises.
Do you think something like this could help you, too?
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List of International Suicide Hotlines (courtesy of the International Bipolar Foundation)
Please, please, PLEASE do NOT hesitate to find your hotline and call if you think you need it. You are NOT alone <3 .
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