Ok, guys. Sorry it took so long to post this week. I guess I should try harder to schedule in advance the night before, but my office situation is a little disjointed at the moment.
This week, I decided to go all in and write everything as a journal entry first, then dictate it here.
It was even scarier than I thought it would be.
But I think my organic self is my best self. Being fake feels dirty to me. This series keeps it real.
Anyway, I did some minimal editing for flow, but in essence these are my exact thoughts from each day out of the week.
As always, I hope that through my own reflections, I can help someone else get closer to their own truth.
Got SEVERAL things I could talk about tonight…
… I have a job interview, I’ve started writing songs again (I know, I know, redundant). You know, some stuff may actually be starting to work out for me.
And yes, life is imperfect. Even devastating sometimes. It’s hard to look at the world at times and see what people are capable of. And it’s really hard to look at people who are “better” than you and not compare yourself to them.
But I’ve also seen people do some fucking incredible things… myself included. People are so awful but wonderful at the same time.
So sure, right now I don’t feel like I have much to offer anyone. But part of me knows that’s not true. That’s just how I’m feeling at the moment.
I can choose to be more, be better than my insecurities. And I’ll start by owning up to them.
- I feel like my face is asymmetrical.
- I don’t love my thighs right now, but I’m working on changing that.
- My hair desperately needs a reshape and a trim.
- I’m neurotic as HELL… I don’t know how people deal with me sometimes.
- I’m perpetually uncool… like, I’m such a lame-ass and I’m boring AF. At least, I think I am.
- I am terrified of meeting my favorite celebs… EVER… AT ALL. (See # 5)
- I freeze up when I’m nervous. It’s almost like I’m selectively mute, except I still make awkward choking noises that sound sorta like talking, so… yeah.
- I know I can sing, but I hate listening to myself on tape.
- I hate looking at pictures of myself because I feel like my face is too long. Also, see # 1.
- I have dark hair on my chin that I hate… HATE… and it’s genetic. Probably the one thing I’m most self conscious about.
So yeah… I’m a mess.
But I’m hoping I can heal myself of a lot of this. Then at least I can be happy <3.
Enjoying the Quiet
Ok, first off… there are spider webs all over my deck, damn it.
You ever seen one of those big, fat, nasty garden spiders?
Yeah, it’s one of those fucking things. I think it’s called a Cross Spider.
I try to leave them alone for the most part… they’re just trying to live, like us. They’re still gross, though.
What I really want to talk about is something that I’ve really come to enjoy recently: quiet. Or rather, lack of distraction.
Right now, I’m just sitting here with my window open, writing. I’m not trying to distract myself with videos or social media or music. And every once in awhile, I’ll sit back, breathe, and enjoy the space.
Admittedly, I stare off sometimes. A lot, actually. I just did it.
But it’s peaceful, not overly stimulating.
This is seriously undervalued. We don’t have enough silence.
Who’s Excited for Fall?
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fall season is quickly approaching!
I can smell it in the air… you know that rich, crisp smell of fallen leaves? It’s slightly smokey when it hits your nostrils, like a distant fire.
God, I love it.
Now, this morning I’m a little sleepy.
Mmkay, way sleepy.
But I’m grateful to be alive. And to feel things.
I have absolutely nothing interesting to say today! =)
All I want to do is watch Christine from Simply Nailogical give Ben “banana nails”…
… don’t ask.
Now, I know I strive to be “gut-wrenchingly honest” with y’all… but sometimes it’s fucking scary.
Kind of like I mentioned last week, I have a really hard time being honest about what I want or need.
Because I don’t want to hurt anyone. I feel mad guilty when I do.
I guess I make myself responsible for other people’s feelings. When I tell them something and they react negatively, I tell myself it’s because I’ve done something wrong or I’m a bad person.
Which is really untrue and really unkind to myself. Obviously, I care about how people feel. Not just how they feel about me, but when they’re happy, or frustrated, or sad.
I’m affected by and for them.
And I can’t help that. My main goal in life is to not be a dick. To be as kind as possible whenever possible, but not to the extent that I’m a people-pleasing doormat.
Yeah, I gotta work on that.
There’s a way to achieve it, I just haven’t mastered it yet.
So… I guess I did have some interesting things to say today. Just took a while for it to all come out.
To be continued…
Crap… Down the hole I go…
I really, really want to write. But I also really, really don’t.
Not that I haven’t had a good day. It’s been a great day. But I’ve noticed that my life, everyday, is pretty much the same.
I am chronically fucking bored and looking for a way out.
Need a change of scenery, to bust out on my own for a bit and only be dependent upon myself. Eliminate the fear of letting anyone else down but myself.
Because when I’m afraid of letting others down, I don’t do what I really want to do.
Success is a scary thing for this reason. I want it and I don’t.
I want to live for myself, doing something I love to do while helping others in the process. But I can’t help but think… what’s the point? Why?
Eventually, we’ll all die. And we may be remembered for a few hundred, maybe thousand years. But eventually, the universe will tear itself apart… and what happens then?
Oh, yeah… the human race as we know it will probably go extinct at some point, too.
Sorry, didn’t mean to be so fucking dark. I’m just trying to make sense of it all.
On a happier note, maybe this has happened before and our Big Bang was part of a series? I don’t know, I’m totally shit with science.
I’m just curious what’s left when there’s literally nothing left. What’s in that blank space?
Aight, y’all. Checked out 2 books from the library for the first time in months, and I think I’m actually going to read these ones.
One is called Influencer: The Power to Change Anything, the other is called How To Make It In The New Music Business (by Ari Herstand).
I haven’t started the second one yet, but the first one has some pretty interesting info on influence and success.
I’ve only read the first two chapters of part 1, but I’m already hooked.
It talks about “serenity” being something people settle for when they’re resigned to being unsuccessful. I don’t know if I totally agree with that, but I can definitely see how people resign themselves to mediocrity because they lack the skills to push themselves.
Hell, I know I’m guilty of it, for sure.
But, according to the book, change can be implemented by studying vital behaviors of success in an individual or group.
Gotta say, pretty excited to see where this goes.
So, I’m writing in my gratitude journal, right? And in the journal I use by Pretty Simple Planners, there’s an inspiring quote at the beginning of each week.
This week, there was a quote by Brooke Hampton, which reads as follows:
“I like people who get excited about the change of seasons, the sound of the ocean, watching a sunset, the smell of rain, starry nights.”
And it made me feel good. Not just because it’s super dreamy and sweet, but because she just described me. So I felt good about myself, like I’m not some vapid person who’s uninspired by life.
Then I realized that some people may not be able to relate. They might see that and think, Fuck, that’s not me. I’m a boring S.O.B.
I know it’s not my job to fix anyone, but I don’t want anyone to feel like that. I don’t want anyone to feel empty with no hope of inspiration anywhere.
Part of my mission in life will be to help people climb out of that empty place. I’ve never really been there myself… or maybe I have and don’t remember it very clearly (probably for the best)… but I can’t imagine it feels good. At all.
So I’m going to take this opportunity, and many others, to remind you that you are wonderful, you have something to offer. You just need to access it.
Honor Your Vomit
It’s tough… lord knows I know that it’s tough. I mean, shoot, look at what I just vomited out in the form of a long-ass blog post?
And I do this shit every week!
But I think we need to honor our crazy side in order to make peace with ourselves. Because although some things may be signs of deeper issues, sometimes you need to honor what is before you can get started on changing it.
As Lady Gaga says, Honor your vomit.
Till next time, y’all!
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List of International Suicide Hotlines (courtesy of the International Bipolar Foundation)– Please, please, PLEASE do NOT hesitate to find your hotline and call if you think you need it. You are NOT alone <3 .
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