Sh*t I Did Last Week Blog Series
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- Journal Writing & Low Self-Esteem
- Gratitude & Other Things
- That Critical Voice Inside Our Heads & Self-Discovery
- Transition Is The Word
- Beautiful Disaster Waiting To Happen
Hope you all had a good week :). As you’ll read, I had an alright week myself. Nothing super fancy.
However, this week, I found that my main focus was to try and rekindle my passion…
Not for anything in particular. Life in general.
(Re)Finding My Passion
Ok, so I’m a singer… no surprises there.
But in the last year or so, I’ve fallen out of love with it. Well, not really it, but the idea of a full-time career in it. The industry is just… ugh.
Not saying it sucks, it’s just not for me. I’ve found that I really want other things, too. Like a family, and to travel places and actually see them (touring artists don’t really get to go sightseeing).
So I’ve gotten back into my voice lessons, and I’m trying to fall back in love with singing.
Also, I know that I really love to write… hence this blog. But I’m hoping that in my search to rediscover my passion, I’m able to turn my writing into more.
Who knows… maybe I’ll even start to enjoy songwriting again. There are no limitations when it comes to creation…
… probably why I love it so much.
Feeling A Little Stuck
… just a little.
Today was a pretty rainy day, so I couldn’t walk when I started to feel bummed.
BUT I noticed something interesting on my gratitude list. Know what it was? Baby laughter.
Don’t worry. I’m not getting broody on you… not yet. But my little cousin was over today and he has the CUTEST laugh in the world. He’s 2, and his laugh is so contagious… it’s just so heartwarming.
I don’t even care how many times he pees on my lap.
Soooooo ssssllleeeeepyyyyy… Zzzzzzzz…
Yo, I don’t even know what’s wrong with me, for real. I’m just tired as shit.
Like, I usually have 2-3 cups of matcha in the morning and today I only had 1. Plus, my psychiatrist just upped my meds and I think they’ve knocked me on my ass.
I’m staring at my computer in a bit of a haze, almost like I’m in a cloud. My eyelids feel really heavy.
But… I’m calm. For the first time in a few weeks, I feel pretty good about my life. And that’s saying something.
This is a good thing.
Sleepy But Peaceful
I actually feel pretty nice today.
Now, like I said, we did increase my Zoloft dosage to 100mgs, which I think my body is still adjusting to.
Hence the sleepiness.
But again, I feel really nice today… not too stressed, not too nervous.
So I’m gonna see how I feel in about a week or two and if the drowsiness subsides. But I’m finding that between the meds, the therapy and the meditation, my brain might actually be settling down.
Now, I’m not naive enough to think that I’ll never ever be anxious again… human nature doesn’t allow for that. And I don’t think I’ll never have another panic attack. But I’m here, in the moment, enjoying sipping my coffee and enjoying writing this for you.
God… is this what peace feels like? I should do this more often.
Definitely Need to Move More
My anxiety can manifest as muscle twitches and restlessness. Especially if I’m sedentary most of the day.
So, not that I’m complaining, because today was fantastic… it’s just that I’m up at 3 a.m., fidgeting, trying to get comfortable.
That sucks a little bit.
But hey, I’ll get to sleep eventually. And tomorrow is Sunday. So I can sleep in if needed.
At some point, though, I should get back into physical yoga. My body misses the exercise on a deep level. Like, my tissues miss it.
So I’ll be trying to get back into that this week. Wish me luck!
I Didn’t Do Shit…
…and I felt a little guilty about it. But I could tell that I needed it.
I needed to give myself permission to just ‘rock out with my cock out’, as my fiancé likes to say…
(… Don’t worry, I don’t actually have one of those, I just really love the phrase.)
ANYway, I sat around and watched House and Scandal clips all day, with a sprinkle of some of my favorite YouTubers, of course:
Note: Yes, I know about the “Kat Von D. vs. Jeffree Star” beef, but I do feel like maybe he’s redeemed himself. If we punish people CONSTANTLY for stuff they did when they were younger, dumber, or even shittier people, they’ll never have a real incentive to grow. So… let’s let go of the past and give him a shot for the future.
So… yah, that was my Sunday.
Some Things Falling Into Place
I feel like some great things are starting to manifest… and that makes me feel pretty good.
Things I’ve been striving for, things I’ve been working really hard to put into fruition… they’re slowly but surely starting to happen.
Now, I don’t know if they’re actually happening quickly or if practicing gratitude and living in the moment has actually made my life better. So that all the new things are more like nice surprises or gifts from the universe.
Having said all of that, I didn’t exercise today like I intended… so I still have room for improvement.
Maybe Some Days are Meant To Be ‘Meh’
A few days ago, I was basically buzzing. On a high, if you will. Seemed like everything was going my way.
In comparison, today isn’t a bad day. It’s just not a high day. It’s somewhere in the middle.
At first, I was worried about this… and then I had a thought: what if people don’t know how to just be content anymore?
There’s such a need to obtain happiness that we’re overstimulated all the time. We can’t be ‘happy’ unless we’re experiencing a massive rush.
I think that’s kind of a shame.
Maybe instead of seeking out pleasure, we should seek to be content within the context of each moment.
That way, when something awesome happens, it’s even more awesome and we aren’t numb to the experience.
Sorry, I know I just got way meta on you. Or zen… one of the two. But I hope you get my drift.
I’m a Work In Progress…
Overall, I’m still trying to find myself. Maybe I’ll always be searching.
But there’s comfort in knowing that people change several times in their lives.
It’s totally fine to be a different person today than you were yesterday… that’s just life.
So what I’m honestly concentrating on, more than anything else, is to get my intentions in order. I always want to come from a place of good intentions and kindness.
I’m becoming more and more OK with being imperfect; it’s part of my life story, and it’s what makes me an interesting person.
I’d like to inspire people to think of themselves the same way.
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List of International Suicide Hotlines (courtesy of the International Bipolar Foundation)– Please, please, PLEASE do NOT hesitate to find your hotline and call if you think you need it. You are NOT alone <3 .
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