Coming To Terms With Who I Really Am



Hey, guys.

I just want to say thank you to anyone who follows my blog, and I’m sorry that this post is coming to you late.

I share a lot of things about myself in this post; things that I’ve never told anyone, but it almost feels necessary in order to come to terms with who I really am as a person.

Right now it’s scary, but I’m hoping that I’ll learn to be ok with who I am despite how other people may feel about it. But making the choice to be so honest definitely made me pause.

Was it wise to share all of this stuff? Would it ultimately do more harm than good? Or would it have the desired effect and liberate me from some of my fears?

All these thoughts were running through my head yesterday as I was typing everything out. I still needed to edit, but I didn’t want to cut anything out.

Add to all of that the fact that I’m generally self-critical in all aspects, and I just kind of sat on my couch unable to move last night.

Physically I was ok, but I was at an emotional stalemate. Nothing seemed like the right answer, the right choice.

I was also tired as fuck because I’d spent all morning traveling home before having a 3 hour work shift, all of which I spent pouring over this blog post.

Soooo yeah… this blog post is late AF. And I hope you can forgive me for my foibles and enjoy it anyway <3.

Here goes nothin’…


Shit I Did Last Week Blog Series, Entry 10: 
Coming To Terms With Who I Am

Wednesday


Tired of Trying to ‘Be Better’ All The Time

So I mentioned this on Twitter, too, but have you ever had those days where you’re just exhausted with trying to outdo yourself?

I’m not trying to be a whiner, just trying to be honest. Sometimes I feel like I’m treading water, no matter how hard I try. And that’s with life in general, not just my blog or business aspirations.

I don’t have much else to say except that I’m glad today is over. For now, I can relax.

Tomorrow, I’m hoping to come back to myself and the process of living that I enjoy so much.

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Follow me @singinveganchic for more like this. Check out my blog for my weekly thoughts ♥️ {link in bio}. • #Repost @badassvegan with @get_repost ・・・ MIDNITE MOTIV8ION: It’s always good to think for yourself. There will be things that you know are wrong for you but there will be outside influences telling you to ignore your better senses and do what is wrong for you and those around you. —- —- We live in a crazy time that mediocre is mistaken for greatness and anyone that wants greatness as seen as a “goody too shoes” or a sell out. Don’t ever let that mediocrity of the is world infect your well being. It’s time to ignore those outside forces that are drawing you to not be your absolute best and it’s time to listen to the inner voice that is trying to keep you out of the darkness. —- —- Believe that you can be good and ignore the outside world telling that in order to be great you need their products or services. You are already great and it’s ok to say “nah” that ain’t for me, I’m already great. And anyone that doesn’t understand that isn’t for you. . . . . #adaraven #thatsinginveganchick #bossgirlbloggers #veganblogger #bloggerlife #mentalhealth #lifestyleblog #lifestyles #healthandwellness #wellnessblogger #selfcare #wellnessblog #blogging #veganchick #wellbeing #blogs #singinveganchic #blogpost #theeverygirl #lifestylebrand #spiritjunkie #holistic #ontheblog #mentalillness #nourish #mentalhealthawareness #selfworth #healthymind #mentalhealthmatters

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Thursday


A Stronger, Better Version of Me… But She Doesn’t Exist.

Aight, y’all… it’s Thursday night and I have an early morning tomorrow, but I wanted to write something for you. Especially because I tried to write something earlier at work, but I got distracted.

I’m going to tell you something really personal… possibly in a few parts so this doesn’t get too lengthy. But basically, I space out a lot. A LOT. It’s escapism in its truest form.

Dear God… please don’t judge me for this… or maybe some of you out there do something similar and I have nothing to worry about. If that’s the case, please drop a comment. Or D.M. me or tweet me so I know I’m not too fuckin’ weird.

Ok… so, when I’m in my head, watching movies, listening to music, I’m imagining a woman that I wish I was.

It’s hard to explain, so I hope what I’m saying makes sense. The woman that I wish I was is composed of several people, and she changes all the time. Right now, she’s a mix between Wonder Woman, Lady Gaga, Daenerys Targaryen (mainly for the hair), and lastly, myself. Like, she’s always biracial (like me), but she’s got qualities of all these women (fictional and non-fictional alike).

Oh, and she’s got Olivia Pope’s strategic wit, so I’ve named her Olivia (for now. Her name always changes).

This version of myself is strong, beautiful, moral, fierce, intelligent, talented, sensual, and virtuous, all at the same time. People can’t get her off their minds, can’t take their eyes off of her… or at least they wouldn’t if she existed.


But she doesn’t. All you get is me.

I’ve always speculated about what this means, because it’s not that I think I’m a boring eyesore with no talent or anything.

Maybe it simply comes from a sad little girl who’s turned into a closeted attention whore. Except I “can’t get” the attention that I want from the real world, so I make up my own world and give myself the attention.

Edit: As I’m typing this all out, I’d like to add that this is probably a way to control what kind of attention I get, too. I get all of the attention I want, none of the attention I don’t want. Not saying it’s a good thing, it’s just what I do.

The thing that makes me sad, though, is that it’s totally unrealistic. Why should any woman feel bad that they can’t be like that?

And yet, there are about 7 billion people on this earth, over half of them are probably women (although I’m sure men feel these inadequacies, too), so I can’t be the only person who does this, right?

I don’t know… couldn’t tell you precisely when this started. All I know is it was waaaaaaayyy back when I started having romantic interests. I didn’t feel as pretty or brave as I thought the other girls were.

So I put Olivia (she’s had different names, different appearances, depending on who I wished I was at the time) into movies with characters I liked. So I could feel strong, smart, and beautiful on my own terms.

Anyway, that’s pretty much all I’ve got for tonight. My eyes are starting to roll back and my pencil is getting dull.

More on my escapism tomorrow.

Last Week’s Blog Post


Friday


Being Broke (#FirstWorldProblems)

Keeping up with finances is a STRUGGLE sometimes.

I’m trying not to harbor any resentments, because I know a huge part of the responsibility is my own. I live with my parents, I work part-time, and I know I’m not good with saving money.

On the other hand, some days I feel like I bust my ass for very little ROI. I go to work, I come home, I pay what few expenses I have, leaving me about $100 to get through the rest of each month.

I don’t want to share too much about where I work because I’d really like to keep my day job(s) separate from what I do on here. But if I could share more, you’d understand why this is frustrating.

At 24, I feel stuck, stifled. No way up, no way out, except for this blog and singing. Which I love, btw. I know I need money to live, but if I didn’t, I’d do this all day everyday without a care if I ever got paid or not.

Anyway, that’s all for today.


Serial Procrastinator

Ugh, ok, I’m sorry, I am SUCKING today.

I started to journal, but it was my long work day, so I got sidetracked. Thankfully, I was still able to engage with some of you on IG and Twitter, as well as submit a long overdue guest post(check that out on kaybeth.com {How To Find Your Passion When You’ve Totally Lost It}).

Have I ever mentioned that I’m a serial procrastinator? Well, now I have.

I promised you more on my story about Olivia (my imaginary self). Keep reading.


Saturday


First Day of September!

Good morning, All! Happy September!

I am TOO stoked to spend Labor Day Weekend in Ocean City with the fam, soaking up the last bits of summer vibes before settling in for my favorite season of the year: Fall!

Who else loves Fall? Drop me a comment!


First Day of September! (Cont’d)

Ok… part 2 of this entry because I got distracted, per usual. It’s actually 5:30 a.m. on Sunday, but I haven’t gone to sleep yet, so it still counts.

Anyway, I don’t want this to become one of those posts where I air all my grievances, but hey, I guess it’s part of the package.

Something struck one of my many nerves today. As you may know, I follow a lot of Meghan Markle posts on IG. And as a mixed chick, it hits home (not in a good way) when someone claims she’s “trying to look white”.

Grrr… I almost wish she was still allowed to have social media so she could see this, or talk about it on her blog. (If you ever followed her blog, The Tig, lemme know if she ever mentioned it).

But seriously, it’s infuriating. Or at the very least, annoying as cuss.

We would all do well to remember that mixed people are MIXED… sometimes we look more like one race, other times we look like the other.

I, for one, was born with pale skin and thick, straight hair. Then my skin tanned and my hair kinked up and other than being lighter in the winter, I “look black” (as someone so eloquently stated to me on Instagram).

Meghan Markle happens to be a mixed woman with freckles who wears her hair straight. She ain’t hiding it… she brings her mom, a black woman with dreads who teaches yoga, everywhere, and a black pastor gave a sermon at her wedding… about slavery.

Also, keep in mind that she moved from sunny California to mostly-cloudy England (I can personally attest that there is a MASSIVE difference). She’s not “trying” to be white, she literally IS white right now because her skin isn’t getting the sun it’s used to getting.

Anyway, I could go on and on about this. People aren’t always going to fit into the boxes you create for them in your head. Get over it and live your life.

Rant over.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BnKMR7JB1j-/?taken-by=singinveganchic


Sunday


Beach Time and Karaoke

Pretty fun day today! It was Dad’s birthday, so we hung out on the beach for a while before finishing the night with some Karaoke at The Sandbar (Dad’s favorite place to come every year).

Lemme tell you a bit about this place. It opens around 8 p.m., and the emcee is funny AF.

He does this thing each night where he asks, “Any karaoke virgins out here tonight?”. He then picks from one of the many drunk chicks that raise their hands and proceeds to start singing Summer Fun from Grease.

Doesn’t take long for the audience to get hip to the joke.The emcee starts making up the words, replacing them with phrases like, “Summer fun, she was suckin’ my gun”… yeah, you get it lol.

Overall, BOMB-ass day with more excitement than I think I’ve had in months.

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Who likes merlot?

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LOL, the dude who bombed in the back.
Why I call myself That Singin’ Vegan Chick.


Monday


Labor Day

Ugh… last full day (and night) in Ocean City. And I’m pretty bummed about it.

I love the vibes I get from being near the ocean. It’s not one of those beaches with white sand and water so clear you can see to the bottom, but it’s still beautiful.

It’s slate gray (or green), but powerful and vast. So majestic, so beautiful.

Being this close to one of the most powerful, all-consuming forces on our planet is incredibly inspiring to me.

I mean, shoot, the oceans over the majority of our planet… what is it, like 70%? And so much of it remains undiscovered, unseen. The possibilities are endless.

It’s almost like being able to stand on the edge of the galaxy and staring out into the dark matter… What’s out there? What don’t we know yet?

Shit, I don’t even want to go to sleep now. Just wanna read and write and create.

But I’ll put down the pen because my hand and arm are starting to ache.

Until tomorrow <3.


Tuesday


Well, THAT Escalated Quickly…

FML.. I opened an IG message from a blogger friend to find out that my hosting account had been suspended!

At first I was afraid someone might have reported me to some authority for foul language or something. But it turns out my payment info was expired.

Easy enough to fix, right?

Except for the fact that a 12 month renewal costs over $140… more than I had in my bank account at the time.

*gulp*

Well, my website is back up and running and my checking account is in tatters, so now I’m gonna try to enjoy what’s left of my last day in Ocean City. Trying to banish all thoughts of the impending overdraft fees.

Like I said, FML.


On a More Productive Note…

I’d really like to figure out how to make a little money on Instagram.

Mainly because a little extra money each month, even just $100-$500, could really make a difference for me.

At the moment I work part-time hours, and I really like my job, but I need to supplement that income.

But the other thing is, I just really enjoy building my following and engagement on social media. It’s fucking fun.

Now, I still have a lot to learn and I definitely went nuts with the hashtags for a while- fuck, Instagram, PLEASE don’t shadowban me- but hoping it hasn’t done too much damage.

But yeah. I love social media, writing, and singing. Why not try to make a living off of these things?

If anyone has any suggestions for me, I welcome it!


I Am What I Am

So I’m a little bit of a mess, and probably a little weird.

But you know what? Maybe that’s ok.

I am what I am; I’m not a bad person. And as my therapist told me today (which I’ll talk more about in next week’s post), I’ve made some pretty awesome progress since earlier this year and the same time last year.

So don’t worry… I’ll keep doing what I’m doing. And if you keep coming back, that’d be awesome <3.

Thank you, and see you next week!

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List of International Suicide Hotlines (courtesy of the International Bipolar Foundation)Please, please, PLEASE do NOT hesitate to find your hotline and call if you think you need it. You are NOT alone <3 .

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Hey, Y’all!

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3 thoughts on “Coming To Terms With Who I Really Am

  1. “Always be a first rate version of yourself and not a second rate version of someone else.”
    – Judy Garland

    You are enough. Right here. Right now.

    You have the right to want to feel like somebody special, because you already are somebody special!

    Your analysis is so deep, I can tell you’re searching for something. I think you’ve already found it, you just don’t know it yet. I think you already have everything you need, right there inside of you, my love. 💜

    Hanna x | missbeautysaver.com

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